Aging Expert Gifts

Aging Researchers

Pre-Old Blues

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"You're in perfect health and look half your age – I'm prescribing something to help you shut up about it."

Breast Height Chart

"Where do you remember last seeing your glasses?"

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

Parts Department

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

"We're the same age, but you look great! What's your secret?"

Tonight: Al Hari Kish, leading yoga expert, speaks on 'this topsy-turvy world'

"In your 40s, hair starts growing everywhere except where it should."

'If it weren't for my calcium deposits, I'd be broke.'

This morning I found a thin hair growing out of my knuckle. And so it ends. Your virility, your potential, your conviction, your magnetism, your youth itself

"I enjoy being old - my health always gives me something to talk about!"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

Sir Isaac Newton Sucks!

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

Gerontologist on the phone - 'Oh, you know ... same old, same old ... and how are things with you?'

Warning: Contents may settle over time.

"You don't have OCD or ADD. You have OLD."

"I hate it when I walk into a room and forget why I went in there. Especially when it's the bathroom."

'Admit it, George-you're too old to chase after does.'

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"It's male pattern osteoporosis."

Don't call me old...I prefer 'chronologically challenged'.

I'm not sure when I can help you. It's not easy getting parts for you anymore

Let the profit-making begin!

'Disease is inevitable. My advice is to find an illness you can live with...'

'I had a larger sample for you but I had trouble getting the lid back on. . .'

The Leap of Faith Taken by Alzheimer's Caregivers

"He said he's doing all he can to help me, but he can't make me any younger. But I have no interest in getting younger! I just don't want to keep getting older."