Age-expert Gifts

Gerontologist on the phone - 'Oh, you know ... same old, same old ... and how are things with you?'

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

Breast Height Chart

"Where do you remember last seeing your glasses?"

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

You know you're getting up there in years when your birthday cake requires that extra box of candles....

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

"Meeting old relatives...is like peeking into our future."

'I couldn't remember your exact age.'

Pre-Old Blues

"In your 40s, hair starts growing everywhere except where it should."

Sir Isaac Newton Sucks!

"I enjoy being old - my health always gives me something to talk about!"

"I must be getting old. I've forgotten why I came down the stairs."

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

This morning I found a thin hair growing out of my knuckle. And so it ends. Your virility, your potential, your conviction, your magnetism, your youth itself

You're only young once but apparently there's no limit on childish. (Published originally on January 15, 2008.)

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

'They say ninety is the new eighty.'

Warning: Contents may settle over time.

"You don't have OCD or ADD. You have OLD."

'Admit it, George-you're too old to chase after does.'

"Would you want to drink from a fountain of youth?" "I'd settle for a fountain of middle age."

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"It's male pattern osteoporosis."

'Ageism at work'

Highway of Life. No, Ernie, we're on cruise control. It just seems like we're going faster the further we go.

"Here's the problem, I grabbed the wrong map. This isn't the Fountain of Youth. This is the Fountain of Middle Age."

"Botox? No, I simply stopped smiling when I turned 30."

I'm not sure when I can help you. It's not easy getting parts for you anymore

The Leap of Faith Taken by Alzheimer's Caregivers

'I had a larger sample for you but I had trouble getting the lid back on. . .'

Retirement Age