Anti-ageing Advocate Gifts

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"Your contents have shifted."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"Awww man. My nuts are so old they're wrinkled." "Tell me about it."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

"You're in perfect health and look half your age – I'm prescribing something to help you shut up about it."

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"We REALLY do get better with age."

"As the years go by, and my hair recedes, I comb my parting with such sweet sorrow."

Pre-Old Blues

"It's completely normal for someone your age to develop a taste for butterscotch."

'I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes now.'

"We're the same age, but you look great! What's your secret?"

"I come from the future."

"Well, Dr. Garcia said he's doing all he can, but he can't make me any younger. But I don't care about getting younger. I just want to keep getting older."

'Tell the doctor to hurry. It's an emergency. I just turned middle aged!'

'Doctor, how can I prevent wrinkles? Don't sleep in your clothes.'

A senior moment.

"When I was your age I would have snagged that before it hit the ground."

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

Sir Isaac Newton Sucks!

Don't laugh - when you get old, your neck will get saggy, too.

'Of course I'll love you when you 'go grey'... Why shouldn't I... I've loved you through six other shades!'

'I don't know which health issue should concern me more - the voices in my head or the fact that I need a hearing aid to hear them.'

'I wish I had more hair.' 'Don't be a silly billy. You've got plenty of hair. Here's your bald, I mean your boiled, egg.'

'You know you're getting older when the old 'fire in your belly' is actually acid reflux.

An extremely general practitioner

"Another birthday. I feel like a dinosaur."

'The sleigh's at the Smithsonian, the reindeer are at the museum of natural history, and Santa is at a retirement community somewhere in Florida.'

"I think my fat has GPS. Every time I lose some, it always finds its way back home."