Academic Realist Gifts

'I don't think of them as bad grades - More like sobering statistics.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

'I'm not worried about losing my job. I'm worried about keeping it.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

'I'm going to have to give up drinking and drugs when I leave uni - to pay off my bank loan.'

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

"In my class, I'm not interested in grades. I'm interested in you becoming a better person!"

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"The answer you seek can be found in the syllabus."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Could you spare some change for a guy fresh off welfare?"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

'Good news, Mr. Blume! Your condition isn't serious - just expensive.'

Great moments in science. . . 'Nice work, you've isolated the funding gene.'

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

University of Hard Knocks

Inbox and Outbox

'Who should be contacted in case of an accident? Why, 911, of course. And these people are going to be teaching my children.'

"I can be perfect for only one hour a day."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"Fourteen months ago, I started with H20. I just ended with H20."

"Happiness is more important than money,but it is easier to count money."

'Kids, come quick! Santa's been here and he left all kinds of super expensive, super cheap stuff!'

"It's true that I'm overdrawn but the bribes for improving coursework marks are coming in now!"

"We're not too concerned about him not graduating. We've only made it to tenth grade so we're already proud."

'With all due respect for your horoscope, your loan payment is still due today.'