Worship Service Satirist Gifts

"Thank you, but I don't feel it's necessary for you to play 'Charge' when I invite people to the altar."

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

The Last upper: Novus Ordo Style

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

How's my sermon. . .

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

The ten ammendments

Bishops Snooker

Master Artists' Computer Graphics: Michelangelo's 'God's Creation of the Adam Computer.'

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

'Golly, is it that time already?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"'Host' and Cheese?"

'It helps with reception.'

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'

'I'll decide what I forbid, okay?'

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

'Have you got anything for omnipotence?'

'Still no money, but a lot more IOU's than usual!'

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

'And He sayeth unto me, 'Behold this second set of my commandments, rendered in stone, large-print edition...''

"Care to sign a petition to have a 'balanced budget' as the eleventh commandment?"

"Sometimes I miss a good smiting."

'Consummatum est.'

'Transistional Pope. Is that nice way of saying they hope he doesn't live too long?'