Workplace Wizard Gifts

"It's my intelligence, talent and hard work that have got me to the top."

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'We're having a meeting and it will not end until we find out why no work is getting done.'

Start the session by doing something unusual.

'Apparently him being 108 and dead isn't sufficient reason for laying him off!'

And what's really cool is they pay peanuts!

'He has a black belt in delegating.'

Computer From Hell

I got the raise

'Since we programmed all of Sousa's marches into their IPOD's, production is up 27%.'

"As you insist everything must be in triplicate, meet my new secretaries."

'Thrower here has always been one to push the envelope.'

'Not only will it do the work of ten people, it will scare 40% more work out of the rest of the employees.'

"Goodbye, masked consultant. And thanks for reducing our inefficiencies."

"I'd like you to consider some of our exciting career opportunities working for anyone else but me."

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'Noticeboard? I forgot it was there to be honest.'

"Yes Sir, I'm still working on the 'ins and outs' of their proposal."

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"We only got six days of funding."

"Ok, do we agree the minutes of the last meeting?"

'What happened to that efficiency report? I had it in my hand not two minutes ago.'

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

'You'll soon get the hang of it - then they'll change it.'

'You're right. Our old safety files have become a safety concern.'

"Lovely dovetail."

'I have a homepage, therefore I am.'

Desk trays - 'In', 'Out', and 'It depends'.

'I think it's time to rein in Henderson.'

Optical Illusion Supply Company.

Research and Development: Now, Never.

"What are you doing? It's Halloween. Not leaving your deliveries to the last minute this year?"

In - Out - Pending.