Workplace Jokester Gifts

"Considering I punch in and out for you half the time, Larry, I guess it's only fair I keep half your paycheck!"

"What the hell? We could use an idiot."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'Remember when you said if I'm not happy about something I should tell you to your face?'

'You have office gossip.'

"We had to cancel the christmas party on cost grounds, but as a compromise management has decided you can still come in to photocopy your bottoms."

'Why aren't you working?' - 'I didn't see You coming!'

'Glad you could make it, G,B - pull up a bean bag chair,'

'Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, feel sorry for the people who have to work with you.'

"Shall we call it a day? Sure, boss, let's call it Friday!"

"Look on the bright side, boss... you always said you wanted a second loading dock!"

"This is Mr Johnson, the man who works under me."

Your HR File: Warnings, Crazy Stunts, Psych Eval.

'My staff and I are in conference right now trying to find a harmonious solution to the problem.'

'The computer must be on the blink if it sent a questionnaire to him!'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

"I know eight hours sleep a day is normal... but not at work!"

Safety - Stretching Exercises.

"Are you the same Harry Smith who came in here in 1983 asking for a rise?"

"Since the boss hung up this sign the office sound level has dropped by 87%."

"Okay, okay!... I'll give you a note for work!"

"I think he sometimes regrets hiring a former first grade teacher as his secretary."

Sorry, I can't do your typing, I'm doing my filing."

'I have complete job security. As long as I cant be found.'

"When I said 'I want you to sleep on it', I meant when you get home tonight."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'Good news, Perkins! Management picked your employee suggestion for joke of the month!'

'I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.'

'Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, feel sorry for those who have to work with you!'

Though Mr. Frackman had yet to say a word, Bill sensed he was about to receive a particularly lousy performance review.

"You were able to get out of fifth period study hall duty, weren't you?"

"Fun Fridays at the Dentist"

When I say "jump," you say "how high?" Not " Cinderella, dressed in yella, went upstairs to kiss a fella."

"Tell me again. What do we do with pork bellies?"