Workplace Humor Buff Gifts

'I'd like to see you in my office Johnston, to discuss your task delegation skills.'

'Somehow, I don't think job-share works for us!'

'You have a very impressive resume. . . how flexible are you on the , sleeping 75% of the day thing?'

'Listen Arthur...If you think Mister Latrobe should have a chair out here for you to sit in while you're waiting to see him, then you tell Mister Latrobe...Don't tell me...I have a chair...'

'I'd give you a raise, but I had to throw tantrums to make my parents give me anything as a kid.'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"You've proven your worth a hundred times over. Let's try for a thousand."

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

'Sorry, suffering from burnout return in a week.'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

'What happened to that efficiency report? I had it in my hand not two minutes ago.'

"If you could be in any cubicle, which one would it be?"

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

Food Chain, Inc: 'UP...DOWN'.

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"Yes, I saw the obituary. So, is that why you weren't in yesterday?"

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

"The boss likes people with strong convictions. You're hired."

"If it appears that I only act like I'm working, it's because I minored in Theater."

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'