Workplace Humor Buff Prints

'I'd like to see you in my office Johnston, to discuss your task delegation skills.'

'Somehow, I don't think job-share works for us!'

'You have a very impressive resume. . . how flexible are you on the , sleeping 75% of the day thing?'

'Listen Arthur...If you think Mister Latrobe should have a chair out here for you to sit in while you're waiting to see him, then you tell Mister Latrobe...Don't tell me...I have a chair...'

'I'd give you a raise, but I had to throw tantrums to make my parents give me anything as a kid.'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"You've proven your worth a hundred times over. Let's try for a thousand."

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

'Sorry, suffering from burnout return in a week.'

'What happened to that efficiency report? I had it in my hand not two minutes ago.'

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"If you could be in any cubicle, which one would it be?"

Food Chain, Inc: 'UP...DOWN'.

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"That's the last time I'm going to allow politics to be discussed in the office."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tick, tock-tock, tickety-tick tock ….

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"Yes, I saw the obituary. So, is that why you weren't in yesterday?"

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

"If it appears that I only act like I'm working, it's because I minored in Theater."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'