Workplace Humor Appreciator Gifts

'Hunting and gathering doesn't sound very interesting, so I have decided to become a consultant.'

'Pay no attention to him. He's just a disgruntled former employee.'

'I'm bringing you into the decision-making process, Ruggles. Here -- flip this coin.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

"Of course, once you're a scapegoat you long to be dead wood again."

And today's winner of a Special Place in Hell is. . . People who don't refill the communal coffee pot.

New company policy...next time you miss a meeting I need a note from a doctor or a subpoena from a judge.

'He's not the best worker ever but he's the most loyal employee I've ever had.'

Kiss My Cat

'Bash Street Acadamy - Logistical Director. '

'I'm not using my last sick day. I'm calling in to say I'm feeling icky.'

"Team, I want you to meet our new mechanic!"

"Management is all about delegation. Here is my job description, get on with it!"

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

'Yes, can I help you?'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

"Remind me again, is it Accounting or IT that handles issues related to online solitaire?"

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

Employee of the Month Parking

Businessman: 'We're like one big family here, because of all the nepotism.'

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'I don't know what he does, but I'm afraid to ask.'

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'