Workplace Humor Appreciator Pillows

'Hunting and gathering doesn't sound very interesting, so I have decided to become a consultant.'

'Pay no attention to him. He's just a disgruntled former employee.'

'I'm bringing you into the decision-making process, Ruggles. Here -- flip this coin.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

"Of course, once you're a scapegoat you long to be dead wood again."

And today's winner of a Special Place in Hell is. . . People who don't refill the communal coffee pot.

New company policy...next time you miss a meeting I need a note from a doctor or a subpoena from a judge.

'He's not the best worker ever but he's the most loyal employee I've ever had.'

Kiss My Cat

'Bash Street Acadamy - Logistical Director. '

'I'm not using my last sick day. I'm calling in to say I'm feeling icky.'

"Team, I want you to meet our new mechanic!"

"Management is all about delegation. Here is my job description, get on with it!"

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Yes, can I help you?'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

Businessman: 'We're like one big family here, because of all the nepotism.'

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

Employee of the Month Parking

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'I don't know what he does, but I'm afraid to ask.'

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"