Office Humor Appreciator Gifts

"Sir, the following paradigm shifts occurred while you were out."

Guidance Counsellor: 'Today I was visited by nine students and two teachers.'

"I know I'm suppose to be a customer but what kind of customer...am I tortured, am I HAPPY? What's my MOTIVATION?"

"Can you run that past me again, Watson - you seem to have lost me."

"It's big, slow and proboably a fire hazard. But I was able to pay for it out of petty cash."

'If you would like to read more, the fine print is tattooed to my foot.'

"Hank's our security guy."

'A simple 'Thank You' would suffice.'

'I hear he has a 100% close rate.'

The creative group/the uncreative but very hard-working group.

'Sometimes I feel the company would collapse if we weren't here.'

'Whoa...crushing the will to live and an illusion of full employment! You really are ahead of your time, Igor.'

IT Consultants

'He's busy right now. I have to put you on hold. Would you like to hear show tunes, classical or easy listening?'

'So you want a transfer from light fittings.'

'Now you see, that's EXACTLY what we should try to avoid here.'

We only have two things to fear - fear itself and someone getting a look at our books.

'Boss, it seems like a friendly text, but you've got to learn to read between the emoticons.'

'The job's not finished, until the paperwork's done.'

Human Resources want to knw why you called the job 'deputy logistics facilitation support worker'...because it sounded better than 'skivvy'.

"Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it."

"A guy coughed on me at work and gave me this cold. I've been the victim of hacking."

Think-Thunk

'It's your coach, sir. He's here to request that you drop down and give him 60 push-ups...'

'Yes, madam, it is a nasty rash but it's not the sort of complaint we deal with.'

'Mrs Sparby realized she didn't have the right personality to be a receptionist, but she was able to improvise and keep her job.'

Lawyer Repellant

"Any other references besides 'Man's best friend'?"

'Ummm…' isn't an answer. ‘Ummm…' is a mantra. Are you trying to put this company into a meditative state?'

'That was devious and despicable... keep up the good work.'

'I wish you'd stay focused Simpson!'

"For God's sake see reason, man! That's the directors' car park below!"

Juliet Capulet - "You can send in Romeo now Janice."

"You've reached the wrong department. Let me transfer you to a place called Nowhere."

'Your good work leaves me in a splendid position. Isn't that enough reward for you?'