Those Who Appreciate Office Humor Gifts

'Oh, so you want to get nasty? Well, two can play that game! Remember when I told you to have a nice day? I RETRACT IT! Oh, yes I can! I just DID!'

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

"Don't forget to leave me a wakeup call so I can get the worm!"

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'What's wrong now?'

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

Gay Times...

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

"What's wrong with swallowing up other companies?"

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'I give this one about three months...'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'