Lovers Of Office Humor Gifts

"Starting here, each person whisper to your neighbor the purpose of this meeting and we'll see what we end up with."

'I'd have done better on the intelligence test, but it was biased toward intelligent people.'

'One good thing about my record is all my crimes have been pardonable.'

Type that up, make ten million copies and then shred them.

"Miss Pritchard, send in a bucket of water!"

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

"Don't forget to leave me a wakeup call so I can get the worm!"

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

"What's wrong with swallowing up other companies?"

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'I give this one about three months...'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'