Workplace Culture Pillows

"The afternoon off?? - it's only a papercut...!"

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"What do you mean, you need to find a balance between work and family? We consider you part of our family."

Before Powerpoint.

'It's hard to get good people, and even harder to keep them.'

"While you were out, sir, the company, rudderless and adrift, operated pretty much the same as always."

'It's OK, everyone makes mistakes. Look at me. I hired you.'

'Ed, I think we should talk about our 'casual friday' policy...'

"You look far too relaxed. Around here you're expected to stress for success."

Standardisation: "I don't understand...it fitted us OK!"

"According to the survey,retention is helped by training and money...There's no mention of chaining staff to their desks."

Bo're'droom

'But APART from increased profitability, better customer support, enhanced margins, reduced stress and improved staff morale WHAT is the POINT of all this emphasis on increased PRODUCTIVITY?'

'This organization has a blame culture. And that's all Jeremy's fault.'

'Bring in the Conflict Resolution Team.'

Being a team player is a good thing, until the project goes horribly wrong.

'I've been disorientated since my employee orientation program.'

'We are not a sexist employer, so we ask all employees exactly the same questions. Now, 'what happens if you become pregnant?''

'I think morale might imrove if you discontinued the 'loser of the week' e-mail.'

'Warning - inappropriate behaviour could lead to harassement claims. Please shake hands under the mistletoe!'

Suggestion box: 'Build a bigger Complaints box'.

'Yes, I work well with others - just not with these others.'

Motivational Artwork - "I'm looking for something along the lines of Work or Else."

'If you really must know, I didn't give you a bonus this year because you're small,weak and I know I can take you.'

'Oh, for goodness sakes lighten up...we have a no-kill policy!'

'I'll be conducting the final phase of your job interview I've heard a lot of good things about you!' ('Must maintain eye contact..')

'Excuse me,Sir, but me and the rest of the work force think this dress code probably violates OSHA rules.'

'That's Samuelson. He's been with the company since Day One!'

I survived another Monday morning meeting. Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

"Apparently, we don't negotiate for a pay rise anymore. We have to put forward a case for not taking a pay cut."

'We want you to think 'outside of the box', we need radical new ideas to boost productivity we need you to use your imaginations...and this is how we want you to do it.'

'These graphs represent productivity between free-range and cubicled workers.'

'May I make a suggestion?'

"I'd like one of those careers where you make a six-figure income while wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants."

"My first concern is the well-being of my crew."