Workplace Culture Gifts

"The afternoon off?? - it's only a papercut...!"

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"What do you mean, you need to find a balance between work and family? We consider you part of our family."

Before Powerpoint.

'It's hard to get good people, and even harder to keep them.'

'It's OK, everyone makes mistakes. Look at me. I hired you.'

"While you were out, sir, the company, rudderless and adrift, operated pretty much the same as always."

Standardisation: "I don't understand...it fitted us OK!"

"You look far too relaxed. Around here you're expected to stress for success."

'This is Bob - our secret agent of change.'

'Ed, I think we should talk about our 'casual friday' policy...'

"According to the survey,retention is helped by training and money...There's no mention of chaining staff to their desks."

Bo're'droom

'But APART from increased profitability, better customer support, enhanced margins, reduced stress and improved staff morale WHAT is the POINT of all this emphasis on increased PRODUCTIVITY?'

'Bring in the Conflict Resolution Team.'

'This organization has a blame culture. And that's all Jeremy's fault.'

Being a team player is a good thing, until the project goes horribly wrong.

'I've been disorientated since my employee orientation program.'

'We are not a sexist employer, so we ask all employees exactly the same questions. Now, 'what happens if you become pregnant?''

'I think morale might imrove if you discontinued the 'loser of the week' e-mail.'

'Warning - inappropriate behaviour could lead to harassement claims. Please shake hands under the mistletoe!'

Suggestion box: 'Build a bigger Complaints box'.

'Yes, I work well with others - just not with these others.'

Motivational Artwork - "I'm looking for something along the lines of Work or Else."

'Oh, for goodness sakes lighten up...we have a no-kill policy!'

'I went to my boss and demanded the fruits of my labor. He gave me a Blackberry.'

'If you really must know, I didn't give you a bonus this year because you're small,weak and I know I can take you.'

I survived another Monday morning meeting. Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

'We want you to think 'outside of the box', we need radical new ideas to boost productivity we need you to use your imaginations...and this is how we want you to do it.'

'I'll be conducting the final phase of your job interview I've heard a lot of good things about you!' ('Must maintain eye contact..')

"Apparently, we don't negotiate for a pay rise anymore. We have to put forward a case for not taking a pay cut."

'Excuse me,Sir, but me and the rest of the work force think this dress code probably violates OSHA rules.'

'That's Samuelson. He's been with the company since Day One!'

"So, it's agreed - we lay off the stick and hit them hard with the carrot."

'These graphs represent productivity between free-range and cubicled workers.'