Office Culture Gifts

"Not bad! ...For a duck."

Before Corporate Training/After Corporate Training

'He's free range.'

Woman walks past a sign in an office that reads "Sycophant of the month".

"Welcome abroad, Andrews. Now just see personnel on twelve, and antlers on fifteen."

"It's not a nap if I'm sitting at my desk."

'I'm still not sure HOW it happened. One minute, we were bouncing ideas off each other, and the next thing I knew, we were using furniture instead!'

'You're out here because you're supposed to receive a performance review? I'm out here because I'm supposed to give one!'

'But before we move on, allow me to belabor the point even further...'

Boss: 'Speak up Smythe, I know you've got an opinion, I told you what it was in my email this morning!'

"It's a panic alarm. It goes off every time management show any interest in another reorganisation."

'I used to lead by example, but it was too much work.'

'Oh, you'll love working here. Nobody treats you any differently just becuase of your age, race, or gender.'

Performance Management: "Jump!"

Business relationships are tricky. While a handshake may not always seem enough, a hug is always too much.

"The meeting's at 10. I'll send you a copy of the agenda, the hidden agenda and your personal agenda."

'We only hire people who are willing to take on more than they can handle.'

Man looking at a 'organization chart' where he is depicted at the bottom

"Blame culture...who is reponsible for this?" "Him..him..him...her..."

'But you have to admit management's commitment to quality is working.'

'Would you mind if I made a few calls while I carefully listen to your ideas?'

"First of all, this meeting never happened."

Tug of Negotiation and Conciliation.

Positive and Negative Motivation

"Remember when I said I was going to be honest with you, Jeff? That was a big, fat lie."

'Individually we could do nothing. So we formed a committee which determined nothing could be done.'

'You'll like it here, Clayton. In fact it's one of our rules.'

"Right after me...EVERYONE PULL!"

'Henderson, I can see you have a few things to learn about the corporate culture around here!'

'As team-building exercises go I've seen worse.'

'You may be the best man for the job, but I have a dozen women who are better qualified.'

'The new hidden cameras will allow us to see if anyone is violating our privacy policy by reading someone else's email.'

'This merger will cut jobs 40%, reduce salaries 30% and increase the work hours 25%. Your job is to make this look like the best thing that ever happened to our employees.'

"...how would you rate me on a scale of nine to ten?"

"Encouraging dissent is a good way of finding out who the traitors are."