Wordsmith Chuckler Gifts

Couch - Soft, squishy and voluminous organism whose unusual mode of reproduction involves locating itself near a television set and secreting a skin-absorbed retrovirus containing couch-genes.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

'It's another squirrel - from the park. I warned you not to start feeding them.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

Philosophy of Forestry: 'How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Walt? Roger? Steve? Anyone?'

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

The Big Four debate banking ethics

'I need a loan or a bailout so I can evolve,'

"It's the guy who discovered fire."

Keyboard in Heaven

Rudolph unblocking a chimney

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

'What about change? Do you have any change in your pockets?'

STRIP Hambone: Computer health analysis

"Goddam Dogs."

'Does the suicide clause apply if he eats himself to death?'

"What's all this I've been hearing about the Cloud?"

A stone age tire swing

Yoga - moooooooo.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

"Have you tried hitting the rewind button?"

"He thinks you're playing fetch."

Merry Christmas

"My wife took up walkin' a mile a day five years ago. Haven't seen her since!" "Lucky son of a..."

'Hey - I was in line first! There you go again...messing up the pecking order!'

"You call it 'Wordle?' Do you think it will catch on?"

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

What your acoustic guitar says about you

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

'Does it have any military applications?'