Witty Wino Gifts

'I shouldn't be surprised. Any restaurant that serves Tofurkey is bound to recommend MerNo or Chardon-No-Way to drink with it.'

Alcoholic's X-Ray

Yoga for Alcoholics

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

"I'm just having fruit for dinner. Well, mostly grapes. OK, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I'm having wine for dinner."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

'Oh, and one more thing

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

'Do not stand while the room is in motion.'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

Wino Appreciation Group

'I'll have the steak.' (Fish in tank start jumping for joy).

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

Knights of the iPhone

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

"Yes I do like intelligent women - what a stupid question!"

"When we talked on the phone I never said that I was a non-drinking man! I said a one-drink man!"

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

Picasso's brew period.

One Way/Two Ways.

Mechanics price list.

Wine Hourglass

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

'I'll trade you my topsoil for your apple.'

'You give me flintstones. If great light climbs up sky again tomorrow, I keep stones. If great light don't climb up sky, you lose stones.'

Slow food.

"As you know, Ed, my pockets are considerably deeper than yours. Therefore, in addition to my share I'll be needing a percentage of yours."

"I'd like something profound, witty, and outrageously irreverent."