Witty Wellness Gifts

'You really need to start watching what you eat, make sure your meals are balanced, and try to resist weighting yourself every day...'

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'Oh, and one more thing

'I'll have the steak.' (Fish in tank start jumping for joy).

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

Wise Cracker

Death Watch

'What can you give me for my liver?' 'A pound of onions!'

Second hand store: 'LEFTOVERS AGAIN!'

"It's nice to know I've still got it."

"I thought you meant a football pool."

Now sanitize the lamp and yell your wishes.

One Way/Two Ways.

Mechanics price list.

'...Or, in layman's terms, Ay caramba!'

'You don't need to worry about your records being sold to the highest bidder...they'll bugger it and sell them off cheap!'

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

'I'll trade you my topsoil for your apple.'

Slow food.

'You give me flintstones. If great light climbs up sky again tomorrow, I keep stones. If great light don't climb up sky, you lose stones.'

'Yeah... and I'm the tooth-fairy!'

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

"As you know, Ed, my pockets are considerably deeper than yours. Therefore, in addition to my share I'll be needing a percentage of yours."

A Women Out For A Walk With Her Children.

"Try splashing me now."

"There are three courses of action we can take now - I can call you Ace, Chief, or Big Guy."

"I'm suing my scales manufacturer for slander!"

"I'd like something profound, witty, and outrageously irreverent."

How To Flatten Your Tummy

'I have nothing to declare but my genius!'

March Hare

A moocher borrows a cup of sugar to make a sponge cake.