Witty Wellness Gifts

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'Oh, and one more thing

'I'll have the steak.' (Fish in tank start jumping for joy).

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

Wise Cracker

Death Watch

'What can you give me for my liver?' 'A pound of onions!'

Second hand store: 'LEFTOVERS AGAIN!'

"It's nice to know I've still got it."

"I thought you meant a football pool."

One Way/Two Ways.

Mechanics price list.

'...Or, in layman's terms, Ay caramba!'

'You give me flintstones. If great light climbs up sky again tomorrow, I keep stones. If great light don't climb up sky, you lose stones.'

'Yeah... and I'm the tooth-fairy!'

Slow food.

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

'You don't need to worry about your records being sold to the highest bidder...they'll bugger it and sell them off cheap!'

'I'll trade you my topsoil for your apple.'

"As you know, Ed, my pockets are considerably deeper than yours. Therefore, in addition to my share I'll be needing a percentage of yours."

A Women Out For A Walk With Her Children.

"Try splashing me now."

"There are three courses of action we can take now - I can call you Ace, Chief, or Big Guy."

"I'm suing my scales manufacturer for slander!"

"I'd like something profound, witty, and outrageously irreverent."

How To Flatten Your Tummy

'I have nothing to declare but my genius!'

A moocher borrows a cup of sugar to make a sponge cake.

March Hare

'I put it to you that my client did not assault you, but was in fact giving you a free demonstration of 'Indian head massage'.'