Witty Retort Wizard Gifts

King vs King- who's the clown?

'His best qualities are circumventing questions and evading answers.'

Backfire

Miss America IQ Pageant

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

'I gotta bad feeling about this.'

"Sadie, I just heard they discovered lots of ancient cities buried hundreds of years ago in the jungles of Cambodia. They've each got weird geometric patterns outlining what may have been gardens. But no one really knows what they were used for. I guess what I'm asking you is... what were they used for? Y'know, since you were there to see them in their prime. They were used for ritual sacrifices of dullards. For educational purposes, I shall now perform one."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"I'll have a man overboard!"

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

Heart To Heart

Conference Room. I don't have the heart to tell him it wasn't a compliment when the boss said "in every brainstorming session Ernie is a ray of sunshine."

The Art of Bantering!

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

'Always the wise guy.'

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

"Yes, mother, I'm recharging."

"What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing."

Do you believe in money at first sight?

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. "Batfan" in Dallas, you're on. What's your problem?! House of Java Cybercafe. My girlfriend is refusing to go see "Justice League" because she things Marvel's take on the genre is the only way to do it. How do I get her to be more open-minded and tolerant? You don't! Just become less open-minded yourself. You can't change other people, you can only seek vengeance upon them. Um ... Do you happen to have Doctor Phil's number?

"She can be outspoken."

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

People want as much government as they deserve.

Flat Foot

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

This beer has given me the courage to invite you back to my place. This wine has given me the courage to invite you to drop dead.

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

David Letterman

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'