Witty Retort Fans Gifts

"Yes, mother, I'm recharging."

'A cheeky red?'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a bubble like this?"

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"Sadie, I just heard they discovered lots of ancient cities buried hundreds of years ago in the jungles of Cambodia. They've each got weird geometric patterns outlining what may have been gardens. But no one really knows what they were used for. I guess what I'm asking you is... what were they used for? Y'know, since you were there to see them in their prime. They were used for ritual sacrifices of dullards. For educational purposes, I shall now perform one."

'Talking of of big tops have you seen the new barmaid at the Green Dragon?'

"Remember - you have sharp teeth and claws, but he has sarcasm."

Heart To Heart

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

Do you believe in money at first sight?

'Nobody goes there any more.' - 'It's too crowded.'

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"O.K., your mouth may be clean but I'll bet your mind is filthy."

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

'I object to the prosecution calling my client a liar. The witness is merely fact-based reality challenged.'

People want as much government as they deserve.

This beer has given me the courage to invite you back to my place. This wine has given me the courage to invite you to drop dead.

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

"Kids today are so blasé. Her first word was 'meh' instead of mommy."

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

'Sorry, I don't carry cash, I'm married!'

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

I'm thinking about cutting off my ear, just like my idol, Vincent Van Gogh. You're a comic strip character, Al. Just use an eraser.

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

'I think I've solved my drinking problem.'

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

"Thanks, but no thanks -- Valentines just lead to the hard stuff."

'Today is. . . Tuesday! We are going. . . on a picnic. . . I am. . . an idiot.'

GPs press for sick note reform

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."