Witty Grad Pillows

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

Call Your Office

Teacher and students.

T-Rex as a graduation speaker. Everything was going well until someone in the first row moved!"

'Oh, and one more thing

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

'Doctor, one placebo or two with your tea?'

'But Marvin, you can't be a college graduate for a living!'

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

"He's a terrible drunk."

Birth of the Perpetual Fundraising Industry.

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

Looking Daggers

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

'We sell gifts for people to give to graduates they know.'

"Boy, your sister wasn't kidding when she said you were the face of the company."

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

Principal: 'Is THERE a DOCTORATE in the House?!'

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

"Mr. Berkowitz, I and my Jewish career counselor, hereby wish you a mazel tov on your birthday."

"Back when we were in college, and occasionally sleeping together, I never thought I'd be here, toasting you at your wedding to a woman."

'It's nothing personal. It's just that going after your job is in my job description.'

A Guide to Academic Gowns and Hoods

Admit it! You're gonna miss High School. Best 5 1/2 Years of Your Life.

"Wow! Your dog really is smarter than an honor roll student!"