Witty Grad Gifts

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

Call Your Office

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

Teacher and students.

'Oh, and one more thing

T-Rex as a graduation speaker. Everything was going well until someone in the first row moved!"

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

'But Marvin, you can't be a college graduate for a living!'

'Doctor, one placebo or two with your tea?'

Graduating Zumba Cum Laude

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

"He's a terrible drunk."

Birth of the Perpetual Fundraising Industry.

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

Looking Daggers

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

"Boy, your sister wasn't kidding when she said you were the face of the company."

'We sell gifts for people to give to graduates they know.'

Principal: 'Is THERE a DOCTORATE in the House?!'

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

"Mr. Berkowitz, I and my Jewish career counselor, hereby wish you a mazel tov on your birthday."

"Back when we were in college, and occasionally sleeping together, I never thought I'd be here, toasting you at your wedding to a woman."

Cards for All Occasions. Wedding. Get Well. Grads. Congrats. Friendship. Birthday. One "graduation" and one "condolences" … He's afraid of the real world.

'It's nothing personal. It's just that going after your job is in my job description.'

A Guide to Academic Gowns and Hoods

"Wow! Your dog really is smarter than an honor roll student!"

"You're one of the most twisted people I know!"