Witty Exchanges Gifts

This beer has given me the courage to invite you back to my place. This wine has given me the courage to invite you to drop dead.

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

Paper Boy

"Inactivists"

'Oh, and one more thing

"The gods are distributing Chinese menus."

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

'This is a no rise office.'

Heart To Heart

'Wait till the big dumb nut gets home and finds out he's got a wig.'

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"It's a deal, I trade you two of your lunchroom duties if you take my field trip duty?"

"Honest, D-D-Dad. My report card's 'in the cloud.'"

'We think Rome was built at night sir, because last week you told us that Rome wasn't built in a day!'

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

Did you actually pass the bar? Usually, I go in at lunch for a beer, but yes, today I passed it. Care to join me when I do go in later?

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

David Letterman

'I heard he was funny.'

"Ooooohhh, now that's what I call a piercing."

'You give me flintstones. If great light climbs up sky again tomorrow, I keep stones. If great light don't climb up sky, you lose stones.'

"Is it a witty and insightful exploration of the zeitgeist of 'boundaries' or is it in fact, the way out?"

'I'll trade you my topsoil for your apple.'

"All I know is, I named my pet porcupine Bill Ackman, and he immediately lost a hundred points."

"You've put on weight."

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

"You're one of the most twisted people I know!"

"I felt the Earth Move!"

I need advice and if you ever tall anyone I asked, you're dead. Go ahead. People aren't taking me seriously. When I insult them, they don't seem that bothered. They don't cry or run away like they used to. C'mon, you're plenty offensive. Don't patronize me you @#$% meathead. Wow. Didn't bother me a bit.

De Ja Vu Inc.