Witty Exchange Lover Gifts

'Nothing, honey, except flare up unexpectedly and cause a lot of trouble. Sort of like your uncle.'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

Happy Hour 5-7. (Not really an hour, not really happy.) At last, truth in advertising.

'Mom can I have another apple?'

Cold caller.

The Gilmore Girls

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

'I handed over my company to my son and he's doing better than I ever did. Unfortunately he's starting school next year...'

"Your Honor, I would like the record to state that Mr. Katzman is a 'hostile witness'."

"Honest, D-D-Dad. My report card's 'in the cloud.'"

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

"Tom, we've started a little office pool on how long it'll take me to get your job. Want in?"

Did you actually pass the bar? Usually, I go in at lunch for a beer, but yes, today I passed it. Care to join me when I do go in later?

This beer has given me the courage to invite you back to my place. This wine has given me the courage to invite you to drop dead.

"Kids today are so blasé. Her first word was 'meh' instead of mommy."

'You Honor, my client would like to change his plea to 'pretty please with sugar on it.''

Cylinder Head

'Not tonight, I have a headache,'

"I hope you've come home with something for your wind."

Liquor Store: Lean to Open.

"You've put on weight."

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

"I wouldn't say that you're old, Dear, just way past your 'Best Before' date!"

"He damaged a nerve when he pulled the thorn out. I'd have had a surefire malpractice suit if I hadn't eaten him."

'The wife and I have decided to nominate our weekly drink-free days as tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.'

I didn't know you worked here - I thought you just dropped in to see your friends.

That remark you made to the waiter about the fly in your soup was hilarious! Thanks, but actually, the fly wrote that joke.

'And now the other leg!'

I'll tell you what, your honor: I'll agree to stop badgering the witness if she'll agree to stop undressing me with her eyes. ?

'Yes, they are all my own teeth, it's my head that's false...'

I need advice and if you ever tall anyone I asked, you're dead. Go ahead. People aren't taking me seriously. When I insult them, they don't seem that bothered. They don't cry or run away like they used to. C'mon, you're plenty offensive. Don't patronize me you @#$% meathead. Wow. Didn't bother me a bit.

'If you are a complete pessimist does it mean you are positively negative!'

I'm told Cuthbert's been building himself quite a legal team over the holiday'