Witty Banter Crowd Pillows

'It's okay sir, I'm private Johnson.'

'A cheeky red?'

"Touché"

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a bubble like this?"

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

'Talking of of big tops have you seen the new barmaid at the Green Dragon?'

"I'm sorry, Doctor, when you said benign growth, I thought you were referring to my husband."

A lesson in wit

Heart To Heart

"Remember - you have sharp teeth and claws, but he has sarcasm."

'Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be sober, and you'll still be a giraffe!'

"O.K., your mouth may be clean but I'll bet your mind is filthy."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'Nobody goes there any more.' - 'It's too crowded.'

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

"At work, they call me benchmark."

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"Kids today are so blasé. Her first word was 'meh' instead of mommy."

"Any chance of some credit?"

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

Home Business - Wife.

'Sorry, I don't carry cash, I'm married!'

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

"What?! You didn't say nuthin' about this bein' a yo' mam joke battle!"

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

"With the pretzels I recommend a hearty burgundy, with the goldfish a blanc de blancs."

'Today is. . . Tuesday! We are going. . . on a picnic. . . I am. . . an idiot.'

Your honor, would you please instruct the witness to stop texting on his cell phone during my cross-examination? I would, but I'm the person he's texting.

"I try to keep my coffee buzz going till the Martini buzz kicks in."

'The wife and I have decided to nominate our weekly drink-free days as tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.'

'We were playing doctor until she hit me with a malpractice suit!'

'Well, if you need me to put it into 'layman's terms' maybe you should be talking to someone with a lower IQ.'