Winter Retreats Gifts

I'D RATHER BE IN MIAMI, 'Oognik, I'd like to talk to you about your attitude...'

Skiing.

'You're through around here.. turn in your rubber donut!'

Hacking through ice in order to fish

"You wanted a romantic getaway, so...get away."

'First of all, relax.'

Canada's winter survival kit.

Clown Skis.

"1972: Kim and Doug invited us to their key party... Sounds groovy! 2017: We just got an evite from Kim and Doug to join them on an ayahuasca retreat in Peru... Tommy starts hockey and my father is about to die—no way."

Sun Worship

"It's days like this that make me glad I became a teacher."

'Therapy always works best in a safe environment ... such as your old tree house.'

Judgment Day is coming next Monday. Repent. Now, hold on. How can I believe you when so many dire prophecies haven't come true? I sealed myself in a shelter twice in the late '60s, hid in the Appalachian Mountains a decade later. A huge bunching of Judgment Day visions in the late '80s led me to simply get a time share in the Colorado mountains … Getting out of town doesn't spare you Judgment Day. I don't think. Lemme double-check the clues in Marmaduke. Mostly I needed an excuse to get away. Th

"I wish there was a way to get out of the city this summer without leaving Manhattan."

"Oh, come on! I've told you, I'm not your 'imaginary friend.' I'm your father."

'He's telling them it's time to head south.'

"The point of going outside is the feeling when coming back inside."

'Let's talk climate change.'

Self Storage Unit

'I'll be in Florida for the winter, but I've sublet my cave to a pair of nice Mormon missionaries.'

"I don't think there's enough vodka for another week in Canada."

The first day of spring has finally arrived! The only think I'll miss about winter is curling up under a warm blanket straight out of the dryer on a frigid night.

Musings of a Marooned Mountain Man

'He's not hurt. He's just really, really cold.'

Skier gets caught in the thaw

"It's amazing! A couple of inches of snow and the whole country grinds to a halt!"

Go away

"I bought a new summer condo."

'You sure you've done this before?'

'Aren't the Swiss Alps wonderful this time of year, Bob? Bob?'

'Take me to Acapulco!'

"You will visit New York City, and it will be snowing, and all of the important landmarks will be way to close to one another."

Trump Twitter ban

"I bought a time share in South Beach."

'I'm self isolating, you idiot!'