Wine Satirist Gifts

'I'm getting turpentine..I'm getting lighter fuel..'

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

"Would madam like to sniff the resealable cap?"

"This wine tastes like a**....Bring me every bottle you have!"

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

'No, I can't remember the name of the wine, but it did come in a bottle about this tall, if that's any help.'

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

'Who took the cork out of my lunch?'

Wine: New & Old!!!

'Ahh, the '74 Amarone. Unfortunately, I can't sell it to you. There's no possible way you'd appreciate it.'

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"Nope, no need to smell the cork."

"Do you have a wine that tastes like beer?"

'Sir has made the most discerning choice to wash it down with Drain Glug.'

'I noticed your wine list only has reds and whites. Don't you have any yellow wines?'

"It's disappointing, but if that's the biggest you've got ..."

"Would sir like to try the wine. . . ?"

'How come your oldest vintage is on the top shelf?' 'I can't reach up there!'

"A whino!"

'How wonderful, I've always wanted to meet a connoisseur of wines costing under £4.99 a bottle.'

'At home, he's my husband, here; he's my dump bucket.'

'For future reference, just the bottle goes in the chiller.'

Waiter watering down wine

"Would you like an ice bucket with your Champagne?"

"A cheeky little wine, would you agree?"

'You opened it five hours ago. If it breathes any more, it's going to hyperventilate.'

'Mmm...it's got a good nose on it.'

"He's a wino-saur."

'Dagnabit, stranger! Is you sayin' I don't know the difference between a cabernet sauvignon, and a merlot?!!'

"Despite the oaked tannins and lingering aftertaste, I don't think red pairs well with seal blubber."