Wine Guru Gifts

'Henderson, I'm afraid you're working too hard.'

'My new boos is 25--I've got Barolos older than that.'

'What a Nose!'

"Oh, the '94 - the best thing you can say about the '94 is that the '95 was worse."

"Sure we follow you because you're the Messiah, but it doesn't hurt that you conjure up a kick-ass Galilee merlot."

In the Guru District

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

Bottle Bank: For the Colour Blind.

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

"I've had these glasses since I was a kid, when my doctor told me I'd grow into them..."

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

Portfolio, 2011

Pick me! 2002 was a very good year! No! Me! I'm excellent with beef and fish. Desperate House Wines.

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

An Excellent Nose for Wine.

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'