Wine Guru Gifts

'Henderson, I'm afraid you're working too hard.'

'My new boos is 25--I've got Barolos older than that.'

'What a Nose!'

"Oh, the '94 - the best thing you can say about the '94 is that the '95 was worse."

"Sure we follow you because you're the Messiah, but it doesn't hurt that you conjure up a kick-ass Galilee merlot."

In the Guru District

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Bottle Bank: For the Colour Blind.

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

"I've had these glasses since I was a kid, when my doctor told me I'd grow into them..."

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

Portfolio, 2011

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

'The other kids at school say I might need glasses, Dad.'

The virtual wine tasting was a big success

Red Wine

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."