Wine Expert Gifts

In the Guru District

An Excellent Nose for Wine.

'One develops a nose...'

"At last! Something that goes well with us!"

'I'm thinking! I'm thinking!'

'You got a wine that will go well with bullshit?'

'Dear, here's de cantor you asked for, but he swears he doesn't know a thing about aerating wine.'

A Good Year.

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

"You want I should cleanse your palate before I serve the wine?"

"What would you serve with toast?"

Larry Was Into Fine Wines.

'He's been in the wine business so long, he can remember when Chateau d'Yquem as Cabin d'Yquem.'

'My husband will order the wine. He happens to be a graduate of the 3-Second Master of Wine program.'

'That's a tough question. I suppose I should be served with a dry red.'

'Asking my husband if he'd be interested in trying a wine sample is like asking our mastiff if he'd like to sample New York Strip.'

"It's a young wine best drunk in five to six years.''

"This wine is excellent paired with exhaust fumes.''

"The fifth wine has bright apple and pear notes, with just the barest hint of a blinding headache."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

'A cheeky red?'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

Sauvignon Bonk

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

Bacchus.

'Only the years when the market was Bullish...'

The Wine Bottle and the Corkscrew

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'My luck, I buy a bottle of wine from 450 B.C. and it's still five years from reaching maturity.'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"As an avid red wine drinker, I can say, with certainty, that the notion that drinking clarity impares claret is false!"