Whimsical Genealogist Pillows

'I did our branch of the family tree. Turns out we're birch and northern pine.'

'It's really more of a family forest than a family tree.'

"Isn't he the spitting image of his Dad?"

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Crown Jewels

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

Welsh airport arrivals.

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

'He's got your nose.'

"Will thee not sayeth uncle?!"

Well, I'll be...Dutch Elm Disease!

'This reminds me...what generation iPhone are you?'

'I've turned into my mother.'

'Right - I'm going to sue the water company!'

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

How Moms explain.

When you said you were going to find your ancestors I thought you meant on the INTERNET!

'Nuts, nuts, nothing but nuts!' When Squirrels Search Their Family Trees.

Family Money - "I've been working on your family tree!"

Antcestry.com

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Graeae

"Your genes may be responsible for your way to going but I'm thinking that the four cheeseburgers you may have for breakfast might be a factor."

"Prepare yourself for a shock. The birth records reveal you have a twin brother."

I don't like the look of that fish! Can I help it if it had ugly parents?

"Can you believe we walked right past security?"

"Your DNA test came back – you're 49% from the Amazon, 49% from the Caribbean, and 2% from some plastics plant in Texas."

"We thought it would be more fun than just walking the plank."

"You're being let go. It's come to my attention that you have the laxy bastard gene"

"As if we didn't already know too much about ourselves, we're having our DNA done."

'A remarkable specimen. It's a bonsai oak but badly affected by giantism.'

'They found your gene for anti-social behavior, but they're still looking for he one for robbing liquor stores.'

"Sorry to break it to you like this, son, but you're not adopted."

Man at desk researching through papers.

"The scientists never stopped to ask if they should - only if they could."

Escaping Flowers

'My mother was a race horse. My father was a stablehand who got five years for sodomy.'