Genealogy Jokester Pillows

"You're being let go. It's come to my attention that you have the laxy bastard gene"

'We've found your tree but your family are still living in it!'

'Why shouldn't I be obsessive-compulsive? My mother is obsessive, my father is compulsive.'

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

Raised by Dogs

"Isn't he the spitting image of his Dad?"

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

Human Sex Chromosomes: Female/Male/Male Who Leaves Fly Open.

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

'You want to hear me speaking my first word? I don't say anything without my lawyer, mister!'

Tree's Tree Nursery. Get this. Dad is selling those goofy upside-down tomato planters. What idiot would buy them? Thanks! I'll let you know how it works! My idiotic bio teacher.

"Young man! You turn the gravity back on this instant!!"

"Honey! What's wrong. . . Mommy get you a band-aid!"

You've determined the DNA genome for felines? What do you call it? "Helix the Cat".

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"You think it's tough down there?"

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

'But, Mom - I am watering the garden just like you told me!'

There's a toxic cloud moving in our direction! Hurry! Teddy's home from sports camp. Ha. Ha. Ha.

"Damn it, agree to whatever she demands. No matter what it takes, I want my mommy."

"Sure, my dad and my granddad and my granddad's dad were all domesticated. But that doesn't mean I have to be."

Mom $50 Pop $35

"Oh, it's always something now he wants to become a vegetarian."

Son to Father, "So dad, tell me, have you ever larged it!"