West End Regular Gifts

'Greatest Hits Compilations not yet turned into a terrible Ben Elton show.'

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

"I'm not growling, it's my stomach rumbling!"

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

"I know my drinking limits.The problem is that I can never reach them - I simply fall down."

"I need to increase my salary so I can increase my spending."

"The Ususal, Mr. B?"

'Do you believe in reincarnation?' - 'I don't now, but I did when I was Napoleon.'

Watching the football.

A man reads a book called 'Opening Lines' while a woman reads a book called 'Brush Offs'.

'My - You've matured, my dear.'

'We had to donwsize.'

'What's wrong with him?' - 'He drank a glass of water by mistake.'

A planet like ours - pub quiz dolphin

"Yeah! It was GREAT teaming up with Catwoman. I just wish she didn't sleep for 18 hours a day..."

"Haven't you ever heard of the first amendment?"

"He's So Your Type."

"What a day. I almost lost my smug look of detached superiority."

"The idiots don't realise that flying in a private jet is meant to be IRONIC!"

'I don't want to be a shepherd. I want to be the policeman who interrupts the play to tell all the mummys and daddys who have parked irresponsibly and dangerously outside to move their cars...'

"Well of course you're depressed... You're a country and western singer."

Obese beer drinkers.

"Olive, twist, or vole?"

'Quick Betty, come round to the Red Lion and wear your highest heels.'

"Sure, you're an elephant, but you're not at all elephantine."

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

'Why so stony-faced?'

"It's discretionary income but I occasionally use it for indiscretions."

"Ain't worth the whiskey!"

'Muriel and I were like two ships passing in the night -- I was boarded, plundered, and scuttled!'

"Keep an eye on Old Bound Volume of Harpers. He's on the make."

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

"There's no secret formula. I basically just pour scotch over ice."

'They expect us to vote cold sober?'