West End Regular Pillows

'Greatest Hits Compilations not yet turned into a terrible Ben Elton show.'

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

"I'm not growling, it's my stomach rumbling!"

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"I need to increase my salary so I can increase my spending."

"I know my drinking limits.The problem is that I can never reach them - I simply fall down."

'Do you believe in reincarnation?' - 'I don't now, but I did when I was Napoleon.'

"The Ususal, Mr. B?"

Watching the football.

A man reads a book called 'Opening Lines' while a woman reads a book called 'Brush Offs'.

'My - You've matured, my dear.'

'We had to donwsize.'

'What's wrong with him?' - 'He drank a glass of water by mistake.'

A planet like ours - pub quiz dolphin

"He's So Your Type."

"Haven't you ever heard of the first amendment?"

"Yeah! It was GREAT teaming up with Catwoman. I just wish she didn't sleep for 18 hours a day..."

"What a day. I almost lost my smug look of detached superiority."

Obese beer drinkers.

"The idiots don't realise that flying in a private jet is meant to be IRONIC!"

'I don't want to be a shepherd. I want to be the policeman who interrupts the play to tell all the mummys and daddys who have parked irresponsibly and dangerously outside to move their cars...'

"Well of course you're depressed... You're a country and western singer."

"Olive, twist, or vole?"

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Yes, I'm the Cowardly Lion, and I want a double shot of single malt courage for the Yellow Brick Road."

"Keep an eye on Old Bound Volume of Harpers. He's on the make."

"Ain't worth the whiskey!"

"Sure, you're an elephant, but you're not at all elephantine."

"It's discretionary income but I occasionally use it for indiscretions."

'Why so stony-faced?'

'Muriel and I were like two ships passing in the night -- I was boarded, plundered, and scuttled!'

'Quick Betty, come round to the Red Lion and wear your highest heels.'

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

"There's no secret formula. I basically just pour scotch over ice."