Welcoming A New Child Gifts

Of course he hasn't grown wings yet – You carry him everywhere.

"I'v got this center-of-the-universe gig."

How come I always get stuck in the weird extra pocket?

Santa Claus's Mail

'I'd fire him if he didn't have such a large family to support.'

New born child.

'We're running combat maneuvers on our 3 year old?'

'Ma, come see what just crawled out of the woodpile.'

My kid was a genius until he was seven.

'Hank, Barry just said his first word: Dam!'

"We heard that you had so many children and didn't know what to do"

"See? That's why my Mom wanted me to get her genetics."

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

"His first out-of-body experience."

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

Pool attached to child's bed.

Late night teddy reading

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

'The child is very illogical'

Swinging on a star.

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

"I'm starting him off with a little rope theory."

"They're so adorable at that age!"

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."