Welcoming A New Child Pillows

"I'v got this center-of-the-universe gig."

Santa Claus's Mail

'I'd fire him if he didn't have such a large family to support.'

New born child.

'We're running combat maneuvers on our 3 year old?'

'Ma, come see what just crawled out of the woodpile.'

My kid was a genius until he was seven.

'Hank, Barry just said his first word: Dam!'

"We heard that you had so many children and didn't know what to do"

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

"His first out-of-body experience."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

Pool attached to child's bed.

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

Late night teddy reading

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

Swinging on a star.

'The child is very illogical'

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"I'm starting him off with a little rope theory."

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

"They're so adorable at that age!"

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

A mother and baby elephant

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."