Welcoming Newborn Pillows

'I can't wait to embarrass him when he's a teenager.'

'You called?'

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

"His first out-of-body experience."

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

Santa Claus's Mail

Late night teddy reading

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

Pool attached to child's bed.

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

'The child is very illogical'

Swinging on a star.

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

"They're so adorable at that age!"

"I'd like to get my hands on whoever coined the phrase 'sleeps like a baby'."

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"I'm starting him off with a little rope theory."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

A mother and baby elephant

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

'I guess mother and baby are doing fine. She's already sending out selfies.'

"Just kick back and enjoy this. These are the nest years of our lives!"

The No No No's