Welcome Newborn Pillows

'Have you picked out a domain name, yet?'

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"His first out-of-body experience."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

Santa Claus's Mail

Pool attached to child's bed.

Late night teddy reading

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

'The child is very illogical'

Swinging on a star.

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

"They're so adorable at that age!"

"I'm starting him off with a little rope theory."

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"I'd like to get my hands on whoever coined the phrase 'sleeps like a baby'."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

A mother and baby elephant

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

'I guess mother and baby are doing fine. She's already sending out selfies.'

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"Just kick back and enjoy this. These are the nest years of our lives!"