Website Optimization Gifts

"My website has fewer impressions than Frank Caliendo."

A spider is afraid of another spider's mask.

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

'We've re-branded.'

'We believe in using performance-enhancing drugs here.. they're called bonuses.'

Blowing dust off an order book.

"Making us more mobile friendly didn't mean letting the general public use our car park, Smithers."

'We're e-bankrupt.'

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

This is Pandora, our new Content Manager.

"Our website design could be described as "organic"... in the sense that people often compare it to poop."

'I know it's the truth, but on this promo for our site, do you think we should use the promo code 'desperation?''

'Put simply, we need our website to tell consumers all about our company without really telling them anything about our company,'

'It's Sundays like this that I regret our church website is so popular.'

'Let's put it this way, your Billy is the only kid in class without his own website,,,'

'We're here to talk to your son about his website...'

The imagery attacks the compalcency of the casual web surfer and uses a visual cacophony of discordant images to excite and enthusethe casual visitor...

'I guess this is what we get for going to a discount web-page designer.'

'He's a control freak but the treats are good.'

Samuel Pepys' writer's block

"According to our eye tracking studies,either nobody is looking at the content on our site, or all the participants have lazy eye."

'After sinking all our money into our website, we couldn't afford to finish our building.'

'EXIT -Next Exit.'

"First, they take my domain, then they take my domain name."

'I see your site doesn't have a 'like' button. The good news is it doesn't need one.'

Computer books for dummies.

'Hurry up, I'm dying to use the blog'

'Man, your site is hard to find. Is it in the witness protection program?'

"- And if you want to see the rest of my family you can check us out at www.ducks.com!"

Kids' energy levels

"It's states CLEARLY on my website, I'm an evil clown."