Voluntary Redundancy Gifts

'But I'm not ready to retire!'

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

Very Difficult Conversations

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'You can't fire me! -- This is a right-to-work state!'

St. Elmo's fired.

"Your job is to build an app that replaces you."

'Howard's doing things he's always wanted to with his redundancy money.'

"We're all in the same boat, except it's more like a life raft than an actual boat."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

'Sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going.'

"Hey, Dunleavy! I hear the boss is clearing out more dead wood today! Maybe you should've just stayed home and called in stick! Get it? Called in stick?"

'The good news is we're not laying you off. The bad news is we want you to take a 20-year lunch break without pay.'

"Hey, at least you got a severance package."

"Life isn't fair, and that's what makes it fun."

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

'We'll add extra to your severance package if you promise to go to work for our competition.'

"Your son's web presence doesn't make up for his truancy."

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

'I interview well, but only for exit interviews.'

"Come out, Snivers, it's a decent enough redundancy package."

'The attack will have to wait until tomorrow Congressman. Today is furlough day. . .'

"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."

"At least you didn't get the axe."

Department of Wastage - Formerly 'Middle Management'

'We're keeping Edwards because he forwards the funnier e-mails.'

"I have some character-building news for you."

'Reed oil aboot tit!'

Take Harris up in the company helicopter and throw him out.

"Don't bother replying. That's YOUR job being advertised."

"Actually, this time we're not being asked to do more with less. Instead, we're being asked to do whatever we want, somewhere else, effective immediately."

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

'I'm afraid we have to let you go. As you know, you're entitled to a 'Golden Handshake'...

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'