Voice Recognition Expert Gifts

"Your first job is to learn to recognize your boss' voice on the phone."

I'm not good with names but never forget a face. Of course, that's not very useful right now.

Could you send a plumber out? I think the washers have gone!

A consumer guide to cheese.

"Tip my boy."

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

When mimes make an appointment...

"In my line of work, I have to make sure I don't get a sore throat and lose my voice..."

Grim Reaper enters classroom where he teaches dead languages.

"Instead of careful interpretation of the prose, maybe try pronouncing even the most basic words like an insane person?"

'Now he'll learn to spealie Bill Gates.'

Women pro tennis players having a conversation

'When a caller asks for me, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop saying 'who'?'

"Grammatically, the stickman should be behind the deer."

Listen to a lot of phone pitches while I'm at work?

"Linda, when answering the phone it's 'Edward Case, Psychiatrist' not Ed Case..."

'I do great voice-overs.'

"Alexa, Alexa on the wall..."

'Mom, Dad. . . this is Tiffany. She does scream-overs for ***** movies.'

'I have nothing against you being helium. It's your voice, Steven. Your squeaky, high voice!'

'Andy, you can be honest with me. Do you think I'd make a good manager?' - 'Why couldn't she just ask me if I like her hairstyle.'

Lou's Barber Shop Discussions

'You think you make me nervous? Don't flatter yourself, hot shot.'

'No, you being from overseas wouldn't stop me going on a date with you...Whoa!! But that would! Quite a high voice for a guy.'

An Adam's Melon

'I'm sorry but Mr Jones is not seeing anyone in person. Do you have a webcam on your laptop?'

"I'm sorry that our speaker on 'Making your voice heard' can't be with us tonight - they've got laryngitis."

"Okaaay, so 'maybe' I don't 'understand' how air quotes 'work.'"

Bark processing.

"Uh oh, Mongrel is subbing in a British voice talent to deliver understated but devastating put-downs."

"You can have this speech recognition software back. I said 'turn off' and my wife slapped me."

"Don't tell me....I never forget a face mask."

'Looks like laryngitis. Want to tell me about it?'

"Look, Howard, this phone has speech recognition just like you do, but it's much more intuitive!"