Vision Improver Gifts

'This is one of our best-selling contacts. Price includes artificial twinkle.'

"You really need to think about getting glasses."

Library sections; Fiction, non-fiction and do-it-yourself.

"The woman on the fire escape who acted like it was a balcony"

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

I'm sorry Miss, but your artistic license has expired.

'I'm thinking about laser eye surgery.'

Patient with a drip on a micro scooter.

"All I could find was this butternut squash."

'Okay, so we had a rainy spring. If we can't make these grapes into wine, maybe we can sell them as water balloons.'

Man looking in mirror and says 'help'.

"Quick! Toss me the stalest one you've got!"

'Make sure they fit straight!'

"So when did you interest in health and safety start?"

'I was struggling to see further than one kilometre, but thanks to laser eye surgery, I'm fine now...'

"It took all day, but we finally got there."

Don't be afraid of criticism. Openly ask for feedback so you can improve service.

'Those work well. Now you hardly look anything like Superman.'

'Still getting the hang of laser surgery'

'Yes, normally, carrots are good for you eyes, but in your case they only increase your sense of smell.'

Contacts vs. Glasses

"Do that thing where you leave."

"I knew these old ashtrays would come in handy someday. We'll use them as tip trays!"

'About this 50% error rate of yours, Billington . . .'

"Are you sure it'll float?"

"They're not identical twins—they're surgical twins."

Resume Consultant. I can polish up your resume, but I won't be able to pound all the dents.

'I must say, Simms, when you're hot you're HOT but when you're not you're NOT!'

"I passed the eye exam! I am now qualified to do watch duty!"

Tonight's topic. Lifestyle: Being your best self. We don't actually have a "lifestyle" -- we just wing it.

"No, this isn't the post office, but it's probably just as well you came."

Cook-In.

'I hope you don't mind, but I used the computer to remove all those age spots and that hideous mole you have.'

'You've got to give up these escape attempts,'