Virtual Worshipper Gifts

While watching Mass at home during the pandemic, dad gets the bright idea of taking up a collection.

Marilyn's Rushmore

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

"So no bases are uncovered, Sister Ann gives the sermon to the deaf and Brother Brooks blogs it."

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

Next Sunday - Rap Mass! 'I thought we reached the limit when we had that jazz mass.'

'It's Sundays like this that I regret our church website is so popular.'

"Restless spirit, we don't know who or what you are, but thank you for your amazing Wi-Fi, and for keeping the signal strong."

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Jennifer Aniston

"We're testing a new virtual reality praise & worship system for the satellite campus."

'Remember you are dust bunny and to dust bunny you shall return.'

TV and man

The most popular Sunday at St Clive's was always the annual 'Blessing of the Smartphones' service.

Pastor wearing sunglasses against the hymns.

Priest's computer screen reads: 'e-confession. Please type 10 Hail Marys ... and no cut'n'paste ...'

Gracebook.

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

"Please select hymn number 637 on your i-pods."

"You may need to pep up your sermons, sir. Some of the members are requesting WIFI in the pews."

"I have sent you all an e-mail of today's text if you wish to follow along."

"Sorry, but the Wi-Fi password is for tithing church members only."

Church Sign Asks If You Are Prepared for Digital Conversion.

Worshiping the TV.

"We had 17 first time viewers on the live stream sermon today." (pastor talking to his wife)

'No, we can never actually see the big cartoonist, but he's everywhere.'

'You didn't hear me say my prayers because I texted them.'

"Finished feeding the 5000. What do you want to do with the left over fish?"

"Due to social distancing - all gods will be fake from home."

'What do you mean 'IamThePope.com' is already taken?!? By who!?!'

"If God wanted me to go to church he wouldn't have put football on Sundays."

"Let us bow our heads, turn off our cell phones, and pray."

'As a professional discount, I require you to say only two hail Marys.'

The pastor forgot to remove his wireless mic before entering the baptismal."