Vineyard Tour Guide Gifts

"To tourists this just looks like a pile of rotten and damaged grapes. But here at Trendy Vineyards, we look at it and see Special Select Reserve."

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

Wine Lady

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Wine enthusiast tries to make his way to Cork.

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"I make it myself!"

"If the weather stays good, we could end up in a very prestigious 1992 Cabernet Sauvignon."

'We drove 800 miles for this? If I wanted to look at a roomful of dusty bottles, we could have visited your mother.'

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

'Who's the new guy?'

An Excellent Nose for Wine.

On Champagne: 'Nobody knows the bubbles I've seen.'

Wine tasting

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

A bit of Newlyn.

'The first rule of enjoying fine wine is to make sure you and the wine are in the same room.'

"As it happens, we don't produce any beer flavored wine."

My friend, Ernie, the documentary filmmaker, is producing a series about beverages. One film follows a man's search for the perfect lager. The working title is "The Beer Hunter." He found a group of young women in high school who are fantastic baristas. "Bean Girls." Espresso. Another movie will uncover animosity in the orange juice business. Maybe I should call it "Pulp Friction." And he's examining vineyards and winemakers all over the globe. I'll call the film "Planet of the Grapes"!

"Soy milk and rice milk are okay but I prefer grape milk.".

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

'The yeast cells are flocculating? - I don't think the kids are ready for that.'

'Why is the jacuzzi full of grapes?'

'Do you do anything with the old casks?'

Nouveau wine

"Wine is plant-based food."

'I think we can skip the resume.'

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

'Bruce! 'ow many times must I tell 'ya? Only one wave of the bloomin' terroir flag over the fruit!'

'This is the vineyard the US government started 10 years ago, with $2 billion and a staff of 1,500. No wine yet, but I hear they've nearly got a slogan.'

'Mmm... the bouquet flickers around the nose like butterflies sweetly scented by the shower from a the milk of a goddesses breasts.'

Wine connoisseur in search of new vintage.(Wine)

"Now this is a Francis Ford Coppola. We still haven't been here quite long enough to be drinkable ourselves."