Veggie Vigilante Gifts

'You're right, Mom. Carrots did give me good eyesight. Now I can spot vegetables I don't like a mile away.'

"No, I'm not interested in your list of endangered vegetables. Just eat your dinner."

Organic Crime

My sister is hounding us to give up meat. That's good! What? You don't live with a wacko! My family doesn't eat meat or fish. You don't look vegetarian! I dress in disguise.

It's mom. She's at the police station. What now? I'll go bail her out. West Fester Police. No one told me they made it a crime to leave oversized zucchini on someone's porch.

'Starting a vegetable garden has been a great way for Greg to relax and really get in touch with himself.'

'Meat cooked, but carrots still hard.' Hand in pot

"I know how you feel, but it's what he would have wanted."

'I'm afraid I'll have to close you down. Your kitchen is infested with greenfly.'

"Relax. They're just crows."

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

Guide to Contagious Diseases.

The new global mantra flag for the future

About 40% of the nation's coronavirus deaths could have been prevented...

You can relax now.

Johnson allows the Delta variant to run wild in Britain

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"Queen begins with Q, it should be precisely here."

"Maybe a little inconvenient, but not a single case of the flu in the entire office."

'Drugs' 'Viruses'.

Guns won't help

“Children hate me.”

"I can’t come to bed yet. I have bulbs to plant."

Wrong ways to wear a face mask.

'It's only a slug Norman.'

Collapse of 'Corner Men'

Ebola Clinic

'I'm sorry but I can't bring out the dessert menu until both of you have eaten your veggies, company policy.'

Omicron: "Viva 2022!"

'Well doctor, is it serious?'

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I wish I had emotions like people do. I wish I could think as logically as people do. I'd like to take a walk along the shoreline without rusting. Storing energy in a battery rather than a pot belly would be nice. Having a sense of humor would be fun. The ability to selectively delete memories would be great to have. I wish I didn't have to worry about digital viruses. I wish I didn't have to worry about biological viruses.

Fair readers, please accept these personal tips for remaining healthy and germ free. Public service announcement! Keep your stress low. Exercise, eat right, hydrate and try to get a little affection in your life, if you get my meaning. If you use someone else's computer, wipe down the keyboard with alcohol to kill the germs. Ditto with the mouthpiece of a borrowed cellular phone. Don't touch anything or anyone. Bathe yourself in hand sanitizer. Don't leave the house, and if you do, don't inhale

The vegan hunter

"If dinner was a reality TV show broccoli would be the first thing I'd vote off!!"