Usher Gifts

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

"I was comped."

Fire Exit

"Offering is up since we started contracting with the zoo for ushers."

'No, we do not make change.'

Usher

"I'll have a programme and sit on that."

"Just so you know, I tithed last week and haven't received any blessings yet."

Usher

"I've got a new job, mom! I'm in show business!"

"It's great, I pay for ground floor tickets, but enjoy the equivalent of balcony view..."

"You take an offering "EVERY" week?"

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"For the convenience of our absent members, our ushers will be calling at your homes with their collection plates."

'You'll find your numb-bum seats to the left, Sir, Madam.'

'The movie started 40 minutes ago.'

'Is this communion wafer gluten free?'

Keep your feet on the floor or on the other patrons, but not on the seats,please.

'Theaters from Hell.' 'We have no sound engineers, so no there's not a good seat in the house.'

Clancy: Aspiring Actor

'Well, what did you expect?'

'Sir, are you regurgitating food from outside the theater?'

"Special Easter offering."

'Theaters from Hell' 'We have no sound engineers, so no there's not a good seat in the house.'

"Enjoy the movie, and try not to cry too loud at the end when the dog comes home."

"He looks so natural."

"Smoking in the outer lounge, please."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

'Are you sure that's the right map?'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.