Urinal Philosopher Gifts

"Do you have any idea who it is you're talking to?"

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

'You lifted your head.'

Pigeon Little

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

"How do you say ‘Where is the bathroom’ in Sanskrit?"

'I know it's a bit unusual, but that's where he gets all the best ideas.'

Reverse psychology

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single malt."

"Hydro density appartus invention? Go away - I'm not disturbing his bath for that!"

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

An idea box in a shower

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

Rutger Shower

"What do you mean you wouldn't sweat the water in the basement."

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

'Wow, look at all these prescription drugs that are out of date.' FLUSH 'Happy as clams explained.'

'I take a cold shower every morning... right after my daughters have taken hot ones.'

'It's been a rough day, my shirt button fell off, the handle of my brief case came off... I'm too scared to go to the bathroom!'

"So I leave eggs on the ground, and then you come along and drop your whatever on them? That's your idea of romance?"

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

I've got a new theory, Randy, and it's going to shock the world. Why? Because it's pretty much irrefutable. You know how when you're in the bathroom, it feels like five minutes have passed … but to those waiting to use it, it feels like forever? Yes … And you know how when you're at the event horizon of a black hole, five minutes to you actually is forever to the rest of the universe? ... I think we'd better alert Neil Degrasse Tyson. I call it the Time Toilation Theory.

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

Everyone has a good novel inside them.

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"I have to admit, Donald is a little possessive."

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

'I. Am. So. Embarrassed! How long have I been sitting across from him with that stuck in my teeth?'