Upcoming Medical Procedure Gifts

"It's your prep drink for tomorrow's colonoscopy."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

Look on the bright side...they'll probably name a disease after you.

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

'The surgery is expensive. We'll have to numb you from the wallet down.'

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'You'll be awake during the entire procedure...but no peeking!'

'Just another couple of pages.'

'Will the surgery leave a scar?'

'What do you mean, you've had a change of heart?'

"We found a problem with your bill. It's too low. But I'm confident we can get it into the unaffordabe range soon."

"When I said hair transplant I meant more than one."

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

'I've had so many transplants, I feel like a garden nursery.'

Emma is very happy that the doctor will finally remove the growth on Daddy's nose but she's also a little sad to see it go...

'There was no more putting it off; breast reduction time.'

'And that's the simplest way to surgically remove a 'mole' from the patient!'

"I'm going to have to make this quick, God. I just ask that you watch over me during my double knee replacement tomorrow."

'...Do you have an appointment...?'

'I'm going to check with my pastor to see what the Bible says about this operation.'

Fire Assembly Point

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"I picked this one up in France while my wife had her hip replaced."

'He's the most important man here - He writes the compliance procedures for the DEPARTMENT of Compliance!'

"Hey Frank, how was your colonoscopy?" "In and out."

Sewing Machines in Surgery

"Next time you want me to swallow a camera, just wrap it in bacon!"

"It's for his shakes."

Nurse about surgeon juggling organs: 'I think Dr. Haywood could really use a sabbatical.'