Facing Medical Procedure Gifts

"Another alternative is to freeze you until some future insurance company would pay for your medical procedure."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Look on the bright side...they'll probably name a disease after you.

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

EAR, NOSE AND THROAT CLINIC: "You want me to drive?"

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

'The surgery is expensive. We'll have to numb you from the wallet down.'

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'You'll be awake during the entire procedure...but no peeking!'

'Will the surgery leave a scar?'

"We found a problem with your bill. It's too low. But I'm confident we can get it into the unaffordabe range soon."

'What do you mean, you've had a change of heart?'

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

"When I said hair transplant I meant more than one."

'There was no more putting it off; breast reduction time.'

Emma is very happy that the doctor will finally remove the growth on Daddy's nose but she's also a little sad to see it go...

'I've had so many transplants, I feel like a garden nursery.'

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

Flo figured that since she was using medical marijuana during chemo, she might as well go hippy retro.

"And as if that wasn't bad enough. They've discovered that I'm allergic to bandages!"

'And that's the simplest way to surgically remove a 'mole' from the patient!'

"I'm going to have to make this quick, God. I just ask that you watch over me during my double knee replacement tomorrow."

"I picked this one up in France while my wife had her hip replaced."

'I'm going to check with my pastor to see what the Bible says about this operation.'

"Next time you want me to swallow a camera, just wrap it in bacon!"

'Mobile reception OK in there?'

"It's for his shakes."

'Nurse Wilhelm will be live-blogging the whole procedure.'

"Recovery involves elements of faith. So let's pray my billing service, this hospital and your insurance provider all work smoothly together."

'He's had so many transplants that he's geing featured in next years garden catalog.'

Is there anyone here from 'customer care'? Could you tell them I'll ring back as soon as I've got my new kidney in!

The bad news is, you need a new heart. The good news is, you have lots of options. Be mine. Kiss me. Love U. 2 Cute.

'Did sombody say, McBypass'

'His mother wants to know if you'll give him a haircut after you remove his tonsils.'

A scared man who is about to have surgery performed by a robot.